*Spoilers abound for those who have never read the book.
Never have I read a book as dangerous as this. Because there hasn't been a book that described what I am in beautiful prose such as this.
Whenever I remember the book, a bad feeling comes about over me. This is what makes the book really scary for me. Never have I been so scared of book this way. I will definitely read it again, no matter how scary or painful it is. It gives me a special sort of pleasure that only this book can give me. I have yet to talk to my closest friends about this.
It's eerie, to find a book that explains everything that I am. Not to brag or anything, but the book's plot, in a way, portrays me as a person, in my totality. It's like a bible of sorts to understanding me. Even the part of the story that's really depressing, and the overtones of suicidal tendencies are things that I've personally experienced. Not everything is black though, and the fun times they've had is also something that I have first hand experience of.
I am of the opinion that no one person is single dimensional, except in rare instances. We have multiple personas that we use to interact with the world around us. This is a necessity to survive, a measure of adaptability. Without this method humans would be inflexible, and even somewhat uncivilized, a race deciding absolutely everything by instinct.
Think of it this way. Each of the characters represent a facet of me as a person.This is specifically what makes the book very scary for me. I think the reason for this is that the book has a very autobiographical feel about it, with Toru telling the reader the story of his turbulent college days in post-war Tokyo. This reason satisfies most, but not all of my questions as to why this book is like, this.
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A primary theme in the book is 'escapism', trying to distract yourself with other things to try and not address the monster in the room. This eventually morphs into the art of letting go, of looking to the future rather than the past. Toru, being the one burdened with the role of living on, of never forgetting his friends who have passed and moved on, bears a herculean task of living with these memories, even if they are, horrible to remember. Gallivanting about with other women, in order to satisfy carnal desires. Mourning alone, as what Naoko and Kizuki had done to him, to leave him alone. Toru never really had any chance with Naoko in the first place. Naoko chose Kizuki, the moment he died. That's why she wasn't able to make friends anymore, or even with the time she spent with Toru, she never really made any romantic advances, or responded to Toru's actions. Walking around with someone in circles in a city that had much more to offer than places to walk in, that would definitely mean something. But Toru chose to wait, and Naoko can't really move forward, even if she thought otherwise. Becuase she was forever bound to that one person. It was all a farce, a act which tormented Toru to no end, until her death.
Another major theme is the topic of suicide. Naoko's last day, was exactly what a person dead set on taking his or her own life would do. A final happiness to last that person a lifetime. The golden memory that will shine on even after a person has died. As a medical professional, we are taught to watch out for these warning signs to unstable persons who are susceptible to committing suicide. This is personally, a very scary part of the story for me; as it is similar to what I've experienced when I was thinking about throwing the towel in for good. The feeling of imagined relief after I've killed myself came in like a flood while reading the story of Naoko's death. It gave me a comfortingly cold feeling rolling through my mind.
I'm writing this primarily to settle my troubled mind since I read that book. It opened a lot of old wounds I thought I've successfully closed, but that was not the case. It was more like skeletons in a big, sealed safe, and someone opened the safe quite inadvertently, much to my dismay and chagrin. It was almost like the book was telling me, that I haven't really changed much from my dark days, that I was simply fooling myself and trying to have time alone heal the wounds. Time has done its job admirably, but it seems that it isn't enough. Proactivity, or lack thereof, is something that must be addressed. The only thing that has been keeping me afloat for this long is nothing but hope, that things will change significantly, and I shouldn't end things so prematurely. It's not over till it's over, I keep telling myself, and prevent the shadows from getting too long. Along comes with it the fear that, what would happen when telling myself that wouldn't work anymore.
Another thing that I've noticed while reading the book is the isolation that Toru experienced. Being a bachelor in a urban center, and with not a lot of friends, that situation resounded strongly with me. He did live in a dormitory rather than a apartment, but he hadn't really made friends there other than Nagasawa. And when the source of your troubles is a girl, you don't go cruising for girls to relieve that problem; that's just plain wrong.
Often is the night where I'd find myself wanting to drink with a friend, but cannot. I guess it really does ring true that when you get older, your group of friends tend to shrink. It's either they're busy with their current lives, or just don't give a damn about you anymore, now that they've got other friends now. Which are more relevant to their interests. This thing is very troubling for me, since I never had a lot of friends in the beginning. I mean true friends, not just acquaintances you went out with after school or work. Friends I'll actively go and seek out to meet with. I'm not especially equipped to mingle with everyone, as I'm more used to being alone than being with others. But no one is an island, right? I guess this convenience of urban living comes with the isolation, as those who live in or nearby urban centers lead generally job-centric lives, and with the thinking that not being part of that particular circle, knocks you down the priority of spending time with. That's why I'm always on the lookout for the type of friend who can spare at least a bit of time. I'm at the age where you realize that those type of friends are the most difficult to come by.
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